Parents supporting students at college: Part Two – Housing and Independence

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Where will a student live when they go to college?

If they stay in their local area, then they may be able to stay at home. Depending on a student’s disability and how they are managing their transition, medication, and independence, a year at home that further supports the transition to independence might be a good idea.

Sometimes though, dorm life is a good idea for supporting independence, even if the student is close enough to live at home. Moving to a dorm allows a student to be responsible for getting themself up and to class on time, taking their own medication without reminders, being responsible for their own laundry etc. Even if a student remains living at home during their first year at college, families should be encouraging the kind of independence that includes these same specific skills.

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This may mean parents clenching teeth when a student is sleeping through class however, students need to learn the consequences of missing class including failing grades.

Families are not helping students in the long run if the only thing that ever gets a student out of bed is a parent. Students have to learn to be responsible for such things themselves if the final goal is for the student to live independently. Ideally, a student will have practiced getting up, doing laundry, taking medication while still in high school but life isn’t always ideal.

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When it is time for students to apply for housing at a university, some parents choose to take on the responsibility of filling out the housing application for their student. I would suggest that it is better to work with the student then to fill out the application for the student. Again, this is a step towards independence and if the student isn’t ready to fill out the application by him or herself, then they probably aren’t ready to live away from home either.

Some families tell me their student is too busy to fill out the application. A student’s life is not going to be less busy once they are a full time college student and learning to manage multiple demands on their time is something families can help students with by helping them make the time to fill out their housing application. Think about it this way – students have to learn to prioritize the most important events over lesser events – having a place to live is a priority over most other activities, including sporting events and extra curricular social events.

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While in college a student may choose to live off-campus at some point. Parents may provide emotional support and advice during this process, they may even accompany their student on visits to potential apartments. Remember however, that this is another step in gaining independence; the final decision is the student’s decision as are the final consequences. If the student chooses a building that has a great social life and as a result their grades start to suffer, the student has to learn how to re-balance their social/academic life and parents will not be able to oversee this process.

The other main thing families can remember is that with university dormitories, students are still in a supported environment – the housing staff is specifically trained to work with young people making the transition to independent living. Rather than stepping in to “fix” problems with the housing staff, families can encourage their student’s independence by discussing issues the student may run into, (perhaps a problem with a roommate) but then encourage the student to follow through on the steps that are necessary to resolve their issue without the parents becoming directly involved.

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For example, if a student has a roommate issue, they can discuss this with the housing staff person responsible for their living unit (floor, hall, building) – there are levels of such staff, whose purpose is to help students resolve conflicts: Resident Advisers, Community Advisers, Professional Staff etc. When families would like more information about such staff and related processes they can now find this information on web sties; go to the university’s web site, find the link for Housing, and then read over the related housing web pages to find out what processes your student does have available to them. You can then advise the student about the process, without having to step in and implement the process yourself.

On or off-campus, a student who is in college needs to start putting into practice the independent living skills that are part of becoming a self-sufficient adult. Families need to remind themselves that it is generally better for students to live through a few bumpy moments at college, sorting out their problems without parents jumping in to ‘fix’ things, if students are going to be well prepared to adjust to the next step of their life – living independently as a working professional.

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